Possibly worst week of my life.

everything has changed this week. I don't even know where to start.
On 26th we announced we annoced we we're expecting our first child toghther. Sam didn't seem bothered i could some how tell but nothing clicked at the time. He was quite all day and was distant.
27th July i announced online i was, his friends where all congratulating him he didn't even say thanks, then that evening it got weird he started saying 'I'm not ready, I love you but this not what i want'
the weekend became even more weirder.. eventually we came to the agreement we wouldn't go through with the pregnancy. We told our family's, i feel stupid, announced then all a sudden this is no longer what we want. On Monday we went to the doctors and decided to go around the whole thing privately, Later that day we where at the Drs. We spoke about options to go down and to make sure we we're sure about what we're doing. On Tuesday we where back to take the first medication.. We returned home.. the arguments started. Sam was claiming that it wasn't even his child.. which is not at all true, i haven't been with anyone since we got back together which was in march. The arguments turned violent within about an hour, He went out and was gone about two hours. He came back quite obviously on something, he smashed a mirror with his hand. My brother came in a got in a fight with him just from trying to calm him down. He got free and got in the car and speeded off. All Tuesday night i was a state and slept in my mums room, i felt like a fool. Yesterday my mum took me to the Dr and the final tablet was inserted, within 1hr 30 the pain and cramps started. I took parectmal to control the pain, and slept most the day, my mum stayed in all day to look after Rebecca and Me. I got a text from Sam saying 'hope you relised what you've done you've wrecked everything' we just texted each other shitty stuff actually its still going on now. he started saying ' We can be together but i don't want a relionship, i just want to sleep with you, still living together but we can get with other people' if that's his idea if a chat up line he needs to get some new ones.

In some ways I'm glad I didn't continue with the pregnancy in other ways I can't help but feel regret.
but i suppose its time to move on and focus on Rebecca's future and building our life. For now boys are just a no go. Just me and Rebecca from now on.

7 weeks.

Now we can officially announce!
It was a shock for me and Sam but we're grateful. Can't wait to welcome he/she into the world. Rebecca will be a great big sister. Sam will be a great father.

Scan 6 Weeks 5 days. 

like a daddy but not a daddy

the last couple of weeks have really opened my eyes to how good Sam is with Rebecca. He treats her as his own, On Saturday Rebecca's Real dad wanted to see her...went along only 45 minutes late he was, he got there and just starred, it was like it was just anther stranger to Rebecca, in fact it was more she was scared of him she's always running around smiling but she froze and sat in silence. The whole thing was just awkward since then i haven't heard from him he hadn't seen her for over 6 months, I don't even know why i bothered going but i suppose Rebecca has a right to know her father. After a hour Sam picked us up outside, drove home & Rebecca was so pleased to get home she ran over to the dog first of all to give her a hug then to Sam to give him a hug. Its almost Sam is her dad but not her real dad. He's known her for over a year now, we've nearly been together a year (on&off) and i can trust him with her 100%. On Thursday i was getting ready for work and i was looking for a shirt to wear walked into the kitchen Rebecca and Sam where  having a little dance. I could go on forever about little stories.

I suppose she knows Sam more as her dad than what she knows her real dad.

Nightmare

Me and Sam have been looking at getting a new car for a couple of months since his car had over 120,000miles on and was pretty much falling apart.. we found an MG we both liked went to view it on the Wednesday it was lush inside and outside great nick, we said we'd take it and where going to do a check but the guy said cash only since he didn't have a bank account, so we went back did all the right car checks on the car, looked at past service history ect.. We went back up and our friend had a look and waited so he could follow us back, handed over the cash £1500 off it, thought that it was fine... we got on the motorway.. 5 minuites away from where we bought it from, going about 70mph on the motorway the car suddenly started slowing down went into the lay by, car wouldn't run or even start. So we called the guy we bought it off and the phone line was dead it didn't even go too voicemail. Lee took the exit off and went back to the house knocked on the door and too our suprise the house he claimed to live at was empty. No-one lived there, just a lode of mail through the door, We called out the AA and the police, the police pretty much said we've lost the 1500£ it was our faults.. the AA came the battery was dead so they literally jump started it so we could make it home. Got home about 2am, despite having work at 9am, we litreally went to sleep, At 8am we called the mechanic he came out looked at the car- needs a new battery, new cam belt and head gascut has gone. The total would come up into the £1000's to repair the car. So litreally we've got a useless car and £1500 shorter. Learnt our lessons to never trust anyone who are selling cars. So now we have got 2 cars to scrap and no car. Wahoo. Loving life. Least we get something like £65 each for scrapping the cars, looks like push bikes for the next month or public transport. The next idea is to get a contract hire car which is brand new and you pay something like £300 a month. The whole thing is a total nightmare.

But i hope Rebecca is having a lovely hoilday in Wales with her great grandad and grandma and making them run around after her!! :)

Sorry about the typos to angry/tired to go back and change them!

Life is too busy

for social networking, twitter, blogspot, facebook ect... im done with immature people from the internet and got my family too think about.
I may log in now and then but take care people!

Sisters

I've always been compared to my oldest sister all my life, everything from my size, look, personality and my decisions. I've been use to it, being the bigger one, the ugly one & even feeling like the mistake. I've never been good enough in whatever I do. She was the pretty, skinny, clever one. I always envied her.. trying to do stuff to impress her. She was my role model.

Stuff got better with us for the last year we we're side by side i could tell her everything..
but since shes got a new boyfriends its like me and Rebecca have been forgotten. We use to text each other everyday the last time i heard from her was Monday and that's just odd. So i text her today saying it will be nice to meet up next weekend.. we both have iPhone so i can see where she has read the message. So i sent it about 11am at 1 ish pm it had been read, so i was pissed off when i saw her on Facebook talking in pictures shes tagged in.  Im not some one to just sit around and not say anything i sent her a shitty text and she replied what's wrong with you grumpy... my reply was 'you' so about 8pm my nan called me asking what was going on.. i told her and she stuck up for my sister like always saying she has a boyfriend leave her alone blah blah blah... i understand that we both have boyfriends, we live different lives but all i was asking for was 5 minutes to talk to her. She obviously doesn't want that.

Some ways it feels like I've lost someone forever... i don't see them ending.. actually not for a long time now they booked to go to Thailand, new Zealand and Australia together. I love my sister and i know when you get with someone you don't have alot of time and busy but what hurts the most is the way she can call my nan go on Facebook read the message and not even reply saying no sorry or asking how we all are..

Me and Sam have nearly been together for a year now on and off.. but i have never not made time for my friends even if i text them asking how they are or what there up too, or going out for lunch with them. Even though its hard to say i suppose she just wants to be there for us when she's got no one else in her life. Least i've got my daughter , boyfriend and all my amazing old & new friends.

Basically hoes before bros... something like that.

Sunny Summer

                                             

Walkies :)

Walk in sunshine

what these yellow flowers called?

I don't care what people say..

Just because i have a child doesn't mean I'm not entitled to have some fun, I'm not causing harm to anyone but myself yes i go out drinking to clubs and bars but its not like i don't see my daughter the most im gone is 6 days a month, im still young, i like to party i like to drink and i like to dance its not like im going back with random strangers and sleeping around like some people my age, I'm with one person and don't really see the issue in going out once in a while, i always return home to bed, i wake up the next morning the only harm im doing to myself is drinking and putting myself in danger thats why i go to safe places like clubs there are bouncers to stop crap having, its better than a house party and alot safer. So to everyone who thinks its 'bad' i go out so much well im sorry I'm not going to change for anyone, would they rather me sit at home and be sad and bored, keep your crap thoughts to yourself and get a freaking life instead of being involved in mine.

I Sometimes miss you.

This is kind off dedicated to my old bestfriend. I don't even know if she still reads my blog or not/maybe just my private one.
Basically its been a few years since i've spoken to you. I miss our crazy times, the times we would be on the phone to midnight and the time we found our teachers mobile number and pranked call him. I loved going round yours having our mini partys every weekend, having our little compitions who can get the most pissed & our other little game (Which will always be a secrete hahaa). The times your dad kicked us out when he came in from the pub, we just run up to the park with a bottle of booze. However our friendship wasn't all that good, suppose we just caused trouble for each other like the time we threated the shop keeper he called the police, you ran got away and they got me or the times when we literally crawled onto the trains from getting absoulty wrecked and pegging it off at any random stop the ticket guys came since you gone i haven't touched drugs. I suppose cutting you out my life was one of the hardest things i ever did but the best. When i look at you i think what i waste you've ruined your life, your literally always on something. I suppose back in the day we where just getting away from everything in which had happened in our life suppose not in the best way but the only way messed up kids knew. I Know we both been through shit, but back stabbing me the way you did just messed with my head. I will never speak to you again or even dream of speaking to you. Your out off my life. I just want you to release i miss you but the old you.

We've Moved!

I really should have updated this ages ago but i just haven't had time or internet (apart from on my phone). It's weird actually moving out buying everything like all the stupid little things which you don't take into account. So its been a long drawn out process but I'm happy to say we've finally got our place and enjoying it so far. I'm not officially meant to be living here until I'm 16 but I'm staying about 3 nights a week and Sam is just working up in Oxfordshire making as much money as possible until he gets a job down here for the summer. But our life is just coming together perfectly.

We've wrote a list together to make sure we don't forget anything or don't buy the same things. The other day we did a big shop in ASDA which is total came to £320... just to tell everyone that wasn't all on food. I can be a fatty but not that much. We bought some bedding, plates, trays, pans.ect... & food obviously. Moving is alot more expensive than what i first thought. At the moment we're just splitting everything in half.

So now i have finally got internet i will try to come on here to just update my blog.

One of my silly little lists. 

Picture for the front room. IM IN LOVE WITH IT!! 

Step mummas!

Up to my mums this weekend, spending time with my little girl. Suppose I’m kind off excited, nervous, scared pretty much every emotion that’s possible. If we don’t spend time with each other I suppose we’re be fine and on the plus side my sisters coming as well and she hates the ‘evil’ step mum more than me so It’s cool but then again I don’t want things to be bad. On Sunday its going to be a year since we last saw our dad, but I don’t really want to go into that, right now. Maybe on a later date.

I’ve bought everyone a little present nothing special, bought my step brothers some food, lol a safe option for 3 boys, my full brother, a new game for the Wii, My step mum some flowers and chocolates, writing that it sounds romantic flowers and chocolates, I’m going to eat the chocolates though, My sister a dress from newlook and Rebecca some summer cloths, thinking about it I should of really thought through the summer cloths its been raining for a week And my dad a lantern to put on his grave.

Anyhow just a short update on life.

Rebecca – Is going to nursery 2 ½ days a week still but at a different nursery this one is a bit bigger but all the girls are lovely. Only thing its £68 a day, so we try and keep it to a minume.  There are more expensive ones and cheaper ones don’t get me wrong but it’s where ever you feel your child can grow, enjoy going each day and safety. She’s walking around and generally happy baby! Always got a big grin on her face.

Rebecca’s daddy - Her father is getting back into her life a little more I guess, however he keeps accusing me off taking drugs when I haven’t touched any which is pretty rich coming from him… He doesn’t work, go to college or is even bothered to get a job and support his daughter until he steps up I don’t really see him being the father figure in her life. He sends texts every day to me pretty much asking how we both are but then again that could just be so that I actually talk to him, we haven’t spoken on the phone just through texting.

Me – I suppose a few things have changed I’m back into home tuition the joys, it could be worse though. Just preparing for exams which I don’t really have much confidence in; if I say myself I’ll be lucky to get a ‘C’ I haven’t put my all into the exams my belief is that I got a job, I’m making more than any of the teachers, I don’t want to go to college, I don’t want to go UNI, I just want to start my own business with my family backing and help children/teenagers who have been through hard times in their life that’s my aim for 5 years’ time. Watch this space. Ha-ha.

Take care everyone

Love

Jess & Rebecca & Samual. <3 

looking for places to move too is stressful

Its been that we would move away when im 16. Sitting here last year planning on where and how we wanted it to be. Even looking at furniture for our house/flat but now its pretty much 3 months to my birthday its become even more stressful; estate agents just don't have anything which we both agree on. In some way i feel like i owe Sam to actually choose on what the place looks like with him moving away from where he has always lived, his friends and family. Him going back to college and me working; its not exactly going to be ideal for one or two years. Him being 19 when we actually move just seems like im taking away his years from him, but then again he's different from other boys, he doesn't feel the need to go out drinking/clubbing he doesn't really follow a crowd like most boys what seems to be these days to shag as many girls as possible. He respects girls. Most people are calling us dumb to actually go rent a house/flat but then they don't know we can't physically be together any possible way, his parents don't like girls around there house and Dan's house has never been permanent only been a short time soulition, we know about the bills- gas, electric,water,insurance and everything else, things will be tight theres no point in denying that.

We've looked around 6 properties in London and several which have connecting rail line to London as that's where my work is. However everything we seem to view just either seems too small or too large for what we're looking for (also one in a horrible area). I viewed a 4 bedroom new build house today, quite exicted in the price range, connecting rail line to london, got there the first room the agent showed me was the kitchen which was huge, which had been refurbished recently and built in fridge freezer, then she showed me the garden which for a new build was decent and had a patio, then the study,dinning/play room, then the living room it was small compared to the kitchen but was fine it could fit a sofa and tv in. We went upstairs she showed me the master room which had a en-suit - the room looked lovely then i went into the master room the paper onto of the shower was basically peeling off and moss growing on the tiles and not to mention the 1800's plastic sink, i carried on looking around so she took me into a tiny box room what could barely fit a bed which had damp in the corner when i pointed it out to the agent she said the landlords will look into that. Carried on looking around into anther room which was claimed as a 'suit' walked in there was a random door a tiny room with a mirror in and straight through was bedroom with anther en-suit suffering from the same problem the last room what was a good single was once again had the same problems. I left and told the agent ill get back to her. We would most likely off rented that as it was available from the time we would start getting furniture if it was a few hundred cheaper and suffering from damp. Anyhow thought ill give you an insight.

Everything else in life seems too be good looking foward to spending tomorrow with Rebecca and seeing Sam Friday. Hope everyone is well.

Love
Jess, Sam & Rebecca

thought i'd actually update this blog!!

well where do i start!
thing are pretty sweet at the moment everything seems to be falling into the place but this is life things can go great for 10 weeks then go crap for 20 weeks.
I don't really use the computure much any-more hence why i don't update my blogs. My phone does it all! I have twitter and Facebook for people who I have met on-line. The Facebook includes pictures of Rebecca and myself and when i get to know you or if i already know you ill change the settings so you can see.
Facebook - http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100002861971125
Twitter - https://twitter.com/#!/Jessicaaa_Ox3

if you want to talk more and see pictures blah blah.

Road up to my step mothers looks peaceful had to get a picture.

the dogs i looked after!

New blog

- follow -

fakeloverealtears.blogspot.com

Moving on...

its been other a month or two since ive posted so here i'am again. Hello. Well alot has changed within the last month not going into detail as i dont have to tell anyone not if i dont want too; its just kept beetween family lets keep it as that i dont want the whole world knowing.
So as some of you know im finally accepting help and moving on; other this month ive learnt alot about myself and the way i handle things. Suppose im learning, i got my friends back in my life and when im out of here which will be when at the start of april (depending on behaviour ect ect...) ill be hoping to move in with my older sister in London then when im 16 im moving out of hers and getting a place down south with my friends Katie & Rosie & Rebecca, i still got a long way to go but ill get there in time.

Most weekends before this year i was out getting shit faced but now its nice to wake up feeling fresh.. when im out of here im not saying im never going to drink again because thats not true im 15 nearly 16 we dont exactly go out to a party with fizzy pop... Really? ( well some people do but yeah thats not where ive been bought up) ill just be more senisable with my drink and not get into fights or hit anyone well thats the plan; wether it will work im not sure, lets just set too one weekend each month.

Anyways if anyone has any contact with Jordan can you get her to get in contact with me because i got the details for my account for her.

Anyways bye.